DarkSilver on LJ

10:36am: Friends
This message is for my friends, and especially to spotty and d'otter. I'm sorry for not being there enough, or very often. I always have plans to write more often, post more often but it hasn't changed much. I used to spend a lot more time online but it feels like that was years ago.

I just wanted to let you know that I do try, and that the few times I do make it here wasn't easy for me. That is because life has really been a struggle more than ever lately with such basic challenges as keeping rent paid, and affording food and prescriptions has been taking up much of my focus. Stress from my current situation is high because I'm fighting with the canadian health system right now for any sort of basic care, it's a long long story but in short I have a gallbladder that needs to come out, kidney stones, flaring up IBS, chronic sinusitis being dosed with antibiotics and likely more sinus surgery down the road and incompetent doctors giving me no help at all. I just take prescribed painkillers nearly every day just to cope with the varying levels of pain from any one of the health woes I mentioned above while waiting literally months to see specialists who half the time are so incompetent you have no option but to ask for a second opinion and the months long wait begins again...
I am the master of the run on sentence! Anyway...I hate writing into my LJ or writing to friends when it seems like all I can offer them is worry or concern or pity instead of making them feel any good. That's why I haven't written in so long, all I have to write about is miserable. I never wrote anything more on here about Lynxie the cat because the rest of the story is bleak, and what's written before was sweet. I don't want to destroy that. Does that make any sense?

So I guess my luck of late has been pretty shitty.


I'm very prone to bouts of depression as well and [I'm sure of it] SAD disorder or seasonal affective disorder. I always find I get very depressed nearing the long stretch at the end of winter that usually improves or goes away completely once we Canadians get some sunlight back in the spring. So I'm just not coping well with a lot of setbacks and difficulties. My bf has just found out he has degenerative arthritis of the spine to cope with as well as diabetes and ADD when looking for any sort of work. Last month he worked less than half the month and the work that he did have from an agency was killing his back. Seems like the only jobs they have to offer has requirements of lifting and bending repeatedly. Just the things he can't do right now.

We moved into a nice big basement apartment, but found out it was built incredibly badly and shoddy and the landlords have no concept of privacy or even legality. They come into the apt. if we are out to access the freezer, they have even come in while we are asleep. We have found things moved around. We this month received our mail with michaels bank statement envelope opened. They clearly were snooping out what he made that month. We want to move out as soon as we can afford it!
Relocating to a new area in the spring might be an option.
As it stands right now we by all rights would be accepted on to welfare, but the system is built to make your life even more of a living hell so we aren't bothering yet.
Hopefully things won't get desperate enough that we are forced to make that choice.

Ehm..sorry if I ruined your day. But I dunno, maybe I should open up more and vent. Publicly! :D

2:10am: Last night's dream.
I had a dream last night, that seemed to last for hours. It's fading fast from my memory already..
I should write down as much as I can while I still remember some of it.

It was about being a dragon where there was nothing but sky. Endless sky everywhere. Flying was as natural as breathing. There were a few floating islands of land here and there, but not many. I remember there being other dragons flying, I can't really remember colors or details but there seemed to be flashes of brown and red.
Some of the dragons had islands with people on them. The people were tiny like ants, the houses and villages all looked miniature. It was as if every dragon who happened to have a sky island populated with people had to take care of them. Be their guardian in a way.
I was one of the dragons with a populated island. I don't remember what the cause was, but somehow the people on it were doing something they shouldn't have been. Something I was supposed to stop, but I couldn't. It was something that would destroy my floating island and the people on it. It would just crumble, it already was a little at the edges.
I remember wanting to save them, and feeling powerless to do so. In desperation I flew far away until I found another island with people living on it, guarded by another dragon. This one was very dark, I think it was black.
I remember asking the other one what could I do to make the people stop destroying their island, to protect them as I was supposed to.
The black dragon responded "You can't always protect them, and never if their enemy is themselves."
Or at least that is the gist of it, words weren't spoken it was communication through sending each other emotions and feelings. I remember that is how dragons communicated, in my dream.
I returned then to my own island, flying a long distance and seeing other dragons in the sky and other islands too, none of them had any people living on them.

My island was still crumbling into ashes at the edges and now it was starting to turn black in spots too. I think I tried shoring things up by taking up dirt and earth from a mountain range near the middle, but it wasn't helping.
I think I tried pleading with some of them directly, I might even have turned myself into a persons form and walked among them but I don't remember clearly enough. I do remember they stopped listening to my words when a man stood on top a hill and spoke to them about how what was happening to their island crumbling away was inevitable, that nothing they did would change anything.
I tried to tell him that it was what the people were doing that was making the island begin crumbling in the first place. I think it had to do with peoples emotional states and the balance of what kind of people were on the island. That people who had no conscience and hurt others would cause enough pain to destroy everything and everyone.

I remembered that I was a dragon again and had to leave, the island had become too small. Flying slowly I circled the island and felt bad that I couldn't help, as the whole island crumbled into ashes and dissapeared into the endless sky. Then I remember just flying for a long time, feeling that I had no purpose now and feeling the wind under my wings and against my face and body as I just flew through nights and days on end. There were no other islands or dragons that I ever saw and after awhile the flying felt like floating, and then drifting into the sunset and into darkness and sleep and...
then I woke up.

8:19pm: Another update

I'm selling some of my precious My little Pony collection. I have all the ones I want, and I can let go of the ones I don't. I know because of the rarity and condition of a lot of these ponies, they will be in high demand. Check It Out!!!!!!!

1986 So Soft Ponies Lot of 7

I also have some new photos of Naya the super-kitten! She's four whole months old already wow!

I took these tonight:

 

( Naya Kitten Update! Warning HUGE pics! CUTE! LARGE! )

10:24pm: OMG is it 2006 already?
Through the haze of vague whateverness..I eventually came to the conclusion that another year had gone by and fuck the celebrations, I was asleep. No, seriously...I had all of that. But it sounds a lot more boring to describe it that way.
Things to figure out in 2006:
I still gotta get those new-fangled abbreviations slung by the net slang papparazi. They are: FTW! ZOMG! and OMGAH!
Are they really as simplemindedly stupid as they appear to be?
Surely not.
Anyhoo update on the kitten...Naya is growing so fast I owe a lot of picture posts of her up here. I'll be doing that shortly. I've had some changes and updates to do with my new computer.

4:30am: New Naya pics

Here are some more pictures of Naya taken recently. She is ten days old now, her eyes are open and she is growing HUGE. She is going to be a beauty.

 

 

( Naya kitten and mom Lynxie )

4:25am: The worlds ugliest dog

I've never seen this dog before today. I swear to god they used him on Tales from the Crypt!

 

 

( I laughed out loud when I saw this..... )

2:41pm: See what happens when I don't get enough sleep?
I made this LJ icon that I'm wearing for this post. It started out as a cute innocent picture of two young fox pups playing. Now it's two foxes giving each other some major tongue. [With added slobber]

1:28am: Thats right. Ocelot.

You are an OCELOT! You are very strong minded and
you are a great warrior. Even for a small
feline that's the same size as a housecat, you
are always getting yourself into quarrels that
you ALWAYS win. Being tricky and sly is another
one of your good traits. You can get away with
almost everything!


Which FELINE are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

1:04am: Random whateverness. Vague too.
I feel like my mind, my consciousness and my physical self, my body are two different mis-matched parts. I mean, my body tells me it hurts all the time because of fybromialgia, I feel tired and weak, depressed and sad. But myself, the consciousness trapped inside this jail-cell of a body is just trying to live, and enjoy life. I don't feel like I can live life to the fullest when anytime I am doing something, the distraction of my bodies aches and pains tend to sour the moment. I'm probably going to end up having to take an anti-depressant again. I hate them though, they suck ass. All the side-effects and the truth is folks if your a sexual human being, antidepressants will destroy that. Choose depression, or choose maybe feeling better but unable to achieve orgasm without great difficulty/hassle etc. WHAT a life.
I get jealous when I watch tv and see people who aren't distracted by physical discomfort or pain. It's so nice to see how free and easy they are, the things they say, how they are more open and exuberant. When your not feeling miserable, you can actually focus on whats going on around you.
Maybe I'd be happier doped up on morphine. Geez, I dunno.
I just tend to get depressed and dragged down because of the stress put on my body by fybromialgia's fun symptoms. I know it's completely due to chemical balances in the brain, but other than that there's not much to be done about it. I'm thinking about asking my doctor for a referall to a psychiatrist. A good head shrink, some weird pills with weird effects, regular sleep and good for you food and exercise...yeah thats the ticket to happiness.

12:59am: Jeez, I haven't changed a bit since high school.

You scored as Stoner. </td> Stoner 88% Loner 63% Geek 50% Drama nerd 44% Punk/Rebel 44% Goth 25% Ghetto gangsta 6% Prep/Jock/Cheerleader 0% What's Your High School Stereotype? created with QuizFarm.com

12:50am: How Lynxie got her name
Yeah I know, this is silly. But fun!


I've cross-posted this to kittypix.

8:01pm: Naya pics

7:24pm: Long time no see
I'm notoriously bad at keeping up with a steady posting schedule. It's more likely to come in floods and bursts, with long stretches of nothing. There's a naughty joke in there somewhere..

Anyway I'm not in Owen Sound anymore, now I'm staying in Brampton with family. It's nice to be around again. The kitties are doing great, my family adores them now. They even adopted a stray cat named lynxie into the home and she was pregnant. She had...ONE kitten. The vet says it's unusual for a cat to have one kitten, but she is an older cat maybe around eight years or so and may have been malnourished before we got her. So, one kitten. The kitten has been adopted by my brother but I know we will all dote on her. The kittens name is Naya. I'll have to look it up the meaning of that name.


I'll post some kitty pictures.

11:56pm: I need...
I need to figure out why I'm often feeling blue.
I need to finish those 45 illustrations for Tiger's Quest.
I need to visit Furtropolis more.
I need to draw things from my own imagination more.
I need to build my portfolio.
I need an education.
I need a real job.
I need a haircut.
I need new glasses.
I need to lose weight.
I need to clean my room.
I need to work harder.
I need to make more money.
I need high speed internet.
I need another phone line.
I need to start allergy shots again.
I need to look for an apartment to move into.
I need to go to the dentist.
I need to brush my teeth more.
I need more iron and B12.
I need to pet my cats more.
I need to get in touch with old friends.
I need to feel less lonely.
I need to figure out who I am.

1:01am: Summer's fading..am I?
I really wish summer lasted as long as winter does here. The cold grey winter just gets me down. I'm 99% sure I suffer from SAD as it is. Maybe I'm just confusing it with depression in general. I've had it in varying degrees for most of my life. I was first given zoloft, which basically turned me into a manic depressive. Paxil was next and I took that for about three years. While it did it's job in returning me more to the average state of mind, the side effects weren't pleasant and weaning off of paxil when it's so addictive was very hard to do. Paxil maintains that it isn't addictive, but 80% of it's users will tell you different when they attempt to -stop- taking it.

I did pretty well for a good while after I quit paxil, but life threw some loops at me, and I started to have an old problem returning. I started to have severe panic attacks again, and struggled with panic/anxiety on a daily basis. I no longer remember if I became depressed when I first started suffering life with panic disorder, or if I became depressed first and panic attacks just come as part of the package. It's difficult to sort out.
I've since started taking low doses of Celexa each day, not enough to alleviate depression but for panic disorders it's magic. Within one day I felt human again and the symptoms stopped. So I'm no longer struggling with the panic but I feel as if over the past half year I've slowly been descending into depression again. I'm thinking of mentioning it to my new doctor, but I'm not sure what they will suggest. I'm wary of taking more medications, I don't want the side effects either, but I may end up having to choose that or choose to live with worsening depression.
I do know if I ignore symptoms of depression for long enough, eventually I won't care if I fix it or not.

1:03am: What?
I've not posted in ages, because I was moving. It disrupts shite like having an internet connection. Right!
Anyway I was catching up...got this in a post::
" (http://www.livejournal.com/community/nocturnal_orgy/)</a>
nocturnal_orgy

Hey you!
If you decide to join could you also PLLSSS promote this in this journal. Just for the sake of making my life a bit better... and if you hate this, and decide to not join. Could you STILL promote it? You know... help out a stranger. It's a good feeling :P"

So I went over there, cause I'm nice. I read up, went to post..and apparently can't post cause I'm not listed as a "Friend" so that was a big fat waste of time.

But here for your enjoyment..is the post which I meant to post to nocturnal orgy which never made it and won't make a lick of sense here...

"I'm a closet goth. This means I'm too broke to afford all the tattoos, piercings, cool clothes, and the like. I used to be able to afford the grunge look. Yeah, that was easy."

5:24pm: Happy Easter Everybody!
I know it's a bit early, but I'm leaving tonight to go visit my family over the Easter holidays, so I hope you all have a nice Easter.

</p>

1:54pm: Today I offer you...cows.
These are some LJ icons I made using my own art. Yes, my art.
So..if you want a cow icon, go ahead. I made them for anyone who wants one.
Enjoy!!!
=^.^=

4:22am: Hot or not?
So today I checked out this hot or not lj for plus sized girls because on another lj this one girl was fairly upset at her rejection. I don't know why people stampede as fast as they can into an elitist popularity contest that in the end is utterly meaningless. Would you believe one girls application had on it "It seems like a good place to meet some people who don't conform to societies view of perfection and beauty. " um, these are people who are looking at your pictures they say you -must- post so they can ogle them and then decide if your "cool" enough. The same group that says you have to fill out a silly survey and hey, if your rejected because half the people judging are having a bad day too bad eh? If they don't like what you say, or how you dress your REJECTED wow that really is "good place to meet some people who don't conform to societies view of perfection and beauty." I ask....how is that ANY different from people who do conform to peoples view of perfection and beauty? Lol!

I guess people can do whatever they want though, including being shallow enough to enjoy judging people on how they look and what they said in an inane survey. Thusly, I can likewise bitch about it all I like :D Hooray for freedom of speech.

I remember hearing about that hot or not show and just about puking. It deserves to be grouped with that other charming reality tv show the swan [puuuke] and "who's your daddy" [the reality show where a woman and 10 men live together, which one is her real father????????] once again, like Ed the sock would say: [PUUUUKEEEEE]

12:06am: Everyones favourite chocolate bar!!!
Oh you know you want one.

</a>


Found at a local dollar store, got funny looks when I busted out laughing almost falling. Here it is!

12:00am: Also X-posted to Kittypix.
I did these with Fez years ago, enjoy!

</a>

( Read more... )

7:00am: Figures.

You scored 91% for basic knowledge, 81% for advanced knowledge, 70% for perverted knowledge and 61% for obscure knowledge

Well assuming I made the questions well and you didn't simply guess well, we should now know how much you've learn't from sex columns, the internet and friends and family about fetishes and sex, at least compared to me and other takers in a statistically crappy test since I did it off the top of my head, but I tried, I swear...

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 95% on Basic You scored higher than 90% on Advanced You scored higher than 90% on Perverse You scored higher than 99% on Obscure

Link: The Fetish Knowledge Test written by Dunatis2000 on Ok Cupid

2:55am: Jadis Cat
I used lj cut tags and read the FAQ on how to make links and followed all directions. I'm obviously doing something wrong. Help anyone?


( Read more... )

8:03am: 2005
I'm posting just to thumb my nose at the guy who said this was an abandoned journal.
Just because I don't post in like..[.dunno..what, half a year?]doesn't mean I'm not here!

4:58am: What makes you a furry?
I was recently asked that question, and thought I'd post my long [and sometimes rambling] post here.
Enjoy!

I'm not super-awesome at communicating what I'm thinking into comprehensible type. So, I might ramble.
It's hard to explain...how I became a furry.
When I was a child, I adored and loved animals, I had a lot of exposure to them and had a variety of pets. I also spent a good time on a 100 acre deep forest plot in New Brunswick in the early 80's [This was from age 3 to 9 I think] Nature was abundant, and everywhere.

We didn't go for walks in the spring, hungry bears you know. Bears could be seen peering in the windows on occasion, deer frolicked in our front yard, foxes darting in the early morning, our shed infested with porcupines! I remember finding porcupine quills on the little apple tree treehouse we had.

They had climbed all the way up the ladder to reach the crab apples and eat them! Every day I went out and played, I turned over stones and caught snakes or salamanders. I chased toads and waited patiently to catch a frog from the pond. I imagined myself a whole menagerie of animals and would hunt prey as a predator, or gallop across the field as a horse! My cat Minnie and I were so in tune she would bring me live snakes, carefully caught and gentle in her jaws she would drop one at my feet. Why? Because she would watch me catching them!

When I was hungry, I ate from the fruit or vegetables in the garden and drank from a fresh cold spring. It was bliss!

I also drew a lot.
I drew with crayons and markers, I made cut outs with scissors. My family had no money for much, but to a child who doesn't know anything else, it was paradise. A childs abundant imagination was all that was needed.
I would draw scenes of wildlife and things happening around me. I watched nature shows because I was crazy about them!
My grade one teacher sent one of my drawings to a school psychiatrist [without telling my parents until after the fact] because I had drawn a hawk diving down onto a small sparrow and killing it. All very dramatic and feathers flying everywhere, I had drawn a scene remembered from a nature show I'd watched the day before in which a hawk was filmed capturing it's prey.

As I grew older, and moved to different places I never really changed in that fundamental way I had a sense with animals. I'm not afraid when others would be.
I always had pets, and loved going to the zoo, and watching nature shows and imagining living those wonderful wild lives.

I remember when I was about in grade 7 going through a phase in which all I drew was dragons. I adored them, loved them, and still do to this day. [Literally?? Rust is a dragon!]
Throughout all the years I was growing up, I would imagine fantastic creatures and species that didn't exist. Unicorns, myths, faeries, elves, dragons, minotaurs, etc.
Sometimes I would just pick any two [or 3 or 4!] different species and challenge myself by drawing what the hybrid of these species would look like.

[[Hey, that would be a cool little game challenge for the board, don't you think? We choose say two species of animal, and the artists challenge are to submit a pencil sketch of what they think the hybrid of those two species would look like!]]

Upon entering my teen years, my artwork varied greatly, but people were never popular or constant subjects of my daily drawings. It was animals, and fantasy species. Especially dragons, especially felines, big cats of prey, and hybrids.

Somewhere past the age of 18...
I was discovering the internet, even back then I always chose an animal name, and would play the vampire, or the werewolf, or the unicorn. I found Furcadia somewhere along there and had a wonderful time wandering for years as a feline. When dragons came along, this feline became a hybrid of both.
I think one of the first names to come out at that time on Furcadia was Mistress Rosethorn. Quite the name! She was a leather and latex wearing feline with cream yellow fur and red stripes. Later, she had small dragon wings sprouting from her back and had a decidedly different nature, leaning more towards her BDSM leanings.

[I was learning and discovering all -sorts- of things on the internet! In many ways, I felt like I was finding a home, somewhere I fit and others were like me.]

I continued on roaming, and found a place where my artwork could be shown. It was the furry newsgroups. I also started hanging out in furry Mucks as well as Furcadia. I remember joining the furry MUCK called "Tapestries" what a crazy place. I invented a whole host of characters and built a huge area called "The Obelisk" hell some of you on Taps have probably been in there. That crazy bdsm wonderland!
Some of the names I remember using on Taps so long ago was "Wulfina, a little hyper squirrel girl who's name started with "M" Novinha the lemur, and many more!

As time passed the different characters, the facets of what made them who they were, were really only just pieces of myself. I would play which character depending simply on my mood. Was it happy? Or moody? Playful or sexy? It was all good.
An emerging character was "DarkSilver" it was in my artwork, it was in my characters, and hard to explain but it just felt right for me.
Like taking the most private vulnerable part of yourself and showing it unafraid to the world. Naturally, were going to want to show it in a place where you feel secure, and you feel you fit in. Where others are like you, and feel the way you do. They understand what your saying, your free to truly open up and share with them things the average person stares at you blankly for and says "Huh?"

When I found the furry fandom out there, it more just was a realization like "Oh, so that's what I'm called." A label. I was the same "me" that had been emerging as I grew up.

Thats really the whole story right there. I could write a novel eh?
The hardest part is trying to describe in words some of the things I feel, such as the fact that I have two cats, and that I am so in tune with them I feel as one! How it feels to feel...well..."cat"? When your nuzzling one of your kitties and she licks your nose, you feel like she's your very own child?
Or to observe their nature and discover they are just like you!
I feel definitely, absolutely feline inside, I just know I don't look it on the outside. I can't explain it, I don't know why but I accept it and move on.
The draconic features that emerged with my persona character just seemed to fit with a hybrid personality, that's what it felt like. The odd mood when your feeling -just what a dragon feels like- but how do you explain it? It can't be said in words. Let's just say it's this small part, it's also the same small part that will forever love dragons, and keep doing artwork and dreaming of dragons..
While I feel feline in the majority, it's still there and in the same way I recognized certain things in my cats, I recognized in Rust as well. He is a full dragon, no hybrid there. I can sense in him things that are there for me too. Things I believe in, and feel, the way of things.

Now I've written and written, and I still don't feel like I've been able to express 1% of whats here in my mind.

I hope some of you do understand and feel the way I do. I hope I'm not branded as a flake either.
Thanks for listening =^.^=
~DarkSilver

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~ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. ~